


The hat question

by Orwenn



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Every TF2 match is a fashion parade and we all know it, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 11:20:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19356007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Orwenn/pseuds/Orwenn
Summary: We all know that Team Fortress 2 is not a platformer about saving princesses. Not an RPG about slaying dragons. It's not even a first-person shooter. It's a dress-up game, where nine wierdly dressed men have to fight each other in American Badlands. Imagine that setting in Team Fortress 2 is true, and such a fashionable warzone really existed.





	The hat question

**Author's Note:**

> English is my second language. This work may contain typos or odd phrases.

**Mission begins in ten minutes.**

Mercenaries of the BLU team were preparing for the attack on Dustbowl, a big RED base located in arid deserts of New Mexico. BLUs had successfully taken a cave near Dustbowl and then they were planning their next offensive. Well, actually they always had a good plan: run to battle, shoot, die, respawn, repeat. Nobody in BLU doubted the brilliance of the plan, so the mercenaries were spending their free time talking about more important matters.

Soldier was playing Rock, Paper, Scissors with Spy. One, two, three... dong-dong! Spy beated Soldier's Rock with Paper. Soldier said angrily.

"The game for hippies and commies! I guess I keep loosing in this game because I'm a true American!"

Spy grinned sarcastically.

"No, sir. You always loose because you always pick Rock. It is no wonder I always choose Paper, it beats Rock!"

"Well, in Soviet Russia Paper really beats Rock, but not in civilized world. Rock breaks Scissors and tears Paper!" Soldier exclaimed. 

"That is not the only ridiculous thing in the world, mon ami. For instance, why are you wearing winter clothing when it is thirty-seven degrees outside? I bet you will loose all your body's water after a minute-long fight."

Soldier wore the Antarctic Parka, the Condor Cap and the Coldfront Curbstompers. Such clothes could make a march through Siberia feel like a pleasant promenade, but fighting wearing these on Dustbowl is a death sentence. Soldier looked puzzled at first, but then he asked calmly.

 "Oh, and why are you wearing this stupid Chinese hat and this jacket with bright green scarf? You are supposed to be sneaky, yet you're dressed like a character from Japanese cartoons, onigiris."

Spy was wearing Hong Kong Cone and Lurking Legionnaire, which was painted in lime. Soldier's question didn't stun Spy and he answered without pauses.

"My attire may be foolish, but it is expensive and reflects my status and wealth. I could have wore something serious like Frenchman's Beret and Frenchman's Formals but please! Every lowlife from Badlands can afford these! And yes, Japanese cartoons are called "anime". Onigiris are rice balls."

Soldier laughed shortly.

"If your clothes can make you look stylish then you must wear it. I can't remember Sun Tzu saying that but he was smart enough to say so. That's a rule my clothing obeys and yours doesn't."

"Oh, please! Soldier! Your outfit is fine but the heat outside can melt iron! You need to wear correct clothing on a correct occasion. There is nothing stupid in wearing a splendid set of medieval plate armor, stupid is to attend a reenactment of battle of Gettysburg in one!"

Their argument could've raged on, but then Sniper interrupted in it.

"Hey, mates, what are you discussing?"

"By the grace of God, what are you wearing?!" shouted Spy when he saw Sniper's look. The Australian was wearing Ghastly Gibus and Pyrovision Goggles, the Mercenary badge hanged on his clothes.

"Gosh, I would rather go into battle naked than in this!" yelled Soldier.

"Whoa, mates, I know these items are garbage, but they are not that bad. And the hat is actually fine, I guess some of you could use it." said Sniper. Spy grinned and tried not to laugh, Soldier was not as polite and laughed out loud.

"Everybody has these items and yet nobody wears them. There is a reason why," said Spy.

"Oh, and what is it?" said Sniper and crossed his arms.

"They look stupid!" yelled Soldier.

"And they're cheap. Free, actually," Spy said. 

"Oh, so I should buy myself a good hat, right? Anger, for instance, yes?" asked Sniper. Spy and Soldier gave the Australian grim looks.

"Never. Buy. The Anger..." Soldier whispered dreadfully.

"Why? There is also a reason, right?" Sniper asked with a bored look on his face.

"Yes. All snipers wearing the Anger become..." Spy stopped to pick a right and polite word.

"Douchebags," Soldier continued.

"Yes."

"Gah, whatever. I wear what I want and not you, wankers, nor your stupid bias will stop me!" shouted Sniper.

"Mon ami, I think that our Sniper is mentally sick." said Spy quietly.

"Damn right, frenchie. And by the way..." started Soldier, but stopped, when he saw that Spy was astonishedly staring at something standing behind Soldier's back.

"Mon Dieu, c'est incroyable! Tres TRES bon!*" spoke Spy in a hushed voice. Soldier turned around and found out what amazed Spy. Heavy behind Soldier was wearing a Magnificent Mongolian with Orbiting Planets effect.

"Nice hat, commie! Very nice indeed," said Soldier.

"Spasibo**, soldier," said Heavy and smiled.

**Mission begins in sixty seconds.** \- told the Announcer's harsh voice.

"Bleh, I think this hat looks stupid. No offence." said Sniper.

"How dare you say this about this hat?! It is an unusual! You'll never have something like this piece of heaven in whole your life!" Spy yelled and put his hands on his hips.

"Spy, don't be so rude to Sniper, his words are not far from truth. I have much better hats and I'm going to sell this one." 

"Sell it to me then, commie. I'll pay with keys!" said Soldier with an eager voice.

"Don't listen to him! I'll pay with keys too, and I will give you this idiotic cone hat as a gift! Even my jacket can be yours if you wish!" said Spy while he was removing his Lurking Legionnaire. His hat was already lying on the floor.

**Mission begins in thirty seconds.**

"Come on, friends, not now. The mission is about to start! Doctor, are you ready for the ube..." spoke Heavy while turned his look on Medic.

"Want my Australium Blutsauger for your unusual?" asked Medic with an odd smile on his face.

"I guess nobody needs those ten boxes I have..." whispered Sniper gloomily.

"Nyet, doctor, not now! Team time is coming!" said Heavy and turned his head to the opposite direction. He noticed a Demoman... and Demoman noticed him.

"Lad, do you want my professional killstrea..."

  **Mission begins in ten seconds.**

"No! We have a battle to fight!"

Heavy tried to approach the exit from the spawn, but he was stopped by Pyro. His voice was muffled by his gas mask, but Heavy clearly understood what his "pfade me" means.

**Five!**

"Um... I can give you that Sydney Sleeper rifle..." said Sniper with a certain doubt.

**Four!**

"Come on, russkie! I have a Factory New shotgun for you too!" shouted Soldier.

**Three!**

"Whoa, Heavy! I will give you all fourty-three vintage weapons I have for that cap of yours!" yelled Scout.

**Two!**

"Mon ami! Here's my strange knife with two thousands kills on it! I renamed it to "The one and only", but it can be yours too!" exclaimed Spy. He was standing in his pristine white shirt; the jacket was lying near the cone hat.

**One!**

"Here I come!" yelled Heavy and ran out of the spawn. Mercenaries heard an explosion, after that everything became silent...

"Sticky bomb explosion..." said Soldier.

"Aye, lad. He walked on all eight o'them." added Demoman. He knew how these nasty bombs work.

"We will continue our little conversation when Heavy respawns," said Spy joyfully. He held an Australium Ambassador in his right hand.

**Author's Note:**

> *- My God, this is amazing! Very VERY Good. (French)  
> **- Thanks. (Russian)


End file.
